you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
