there's paper in my vomit.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
