I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
