So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
