So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
