He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
