I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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