I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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