I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
