I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
