theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
