FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
