i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They took my balls.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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