All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
