So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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