Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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