my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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