Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
