Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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