Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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