my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
