Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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