I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
