Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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