Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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