Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
