YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
