there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
