I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
