I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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