My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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