Kiss
Puke
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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