I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
His nipple licking is glorious
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