Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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