his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Pants are for mortals
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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