And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
