Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
