I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
