i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
