U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
