he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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