I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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