It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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