The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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