make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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