I wanna bring you to show and tell
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
