out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
