maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
