I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
