He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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