You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
