I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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