Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
